There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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