The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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