Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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