why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
