remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
