that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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