I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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