they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
