If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
