yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
