found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i think my mom watched the whole time
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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