Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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