I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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