we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
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I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
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You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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