she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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