did you get engaged???
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
