I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
