I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
