My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
