My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
