I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
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