The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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