The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
