I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
