I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
