I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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