yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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