So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
