Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
