just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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