If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
