I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
