Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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