When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
