my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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