I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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