there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
