Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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