home. puking in laundry basket.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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