I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Randomize
