hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
