Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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