i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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