there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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