A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
