Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
