I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
