omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
