Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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