just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
