do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My ass is underappreciated
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
