textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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