i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
